Unthai Those Animals!

In southeast Asia, wealthy businessmen have taken to keeping racoons as pets.  They tend to love their company, but as soon as they become burdensome in any way, they lose interest.  For instance, after a recent tropical storm, many of these animals were found abandoned on the property of their owners.  They had apparently been tied up outside before the owners skipped town to avoid the storm.   The newspaper headline read:

Thai Coons Abandoned!  Tycoons Flee Typhoon, Tie Coons to Trees!

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Hidden Puns – Funeral Home

From the Handbook of Record at Doyle’s Funeral Home and Crematorium:

Urns are to be handled with utmost care, lest they be broken.  If an urn is damaged, it is to be thrown away.  But as long as it is whole, it is to be handled with the gentleness of a mother snow leopard, which is exactly the kind of treatment one good urn deserves.  Another employee may assist in handling urns if you feel at all unsteady when transporting urns across a room.  Try and visualize how a mother snow leopard, the most tender and protective of all of nature’s mothers, might handle a ceramic vessel containing a loved one’s remains.  Have you ever heard of a mother snow leopard dropping an urn, or even stumbling with one?  Exactly, so if you can channel the spirit of the mother snow leopard, you will never drop an urn down a steep, snow-covered ravine, or allow it to be eaten by eagles; it just won’t happen.  This is very important because our liability policy covers neither of those scenarios.

*when you spot the pun, whistle the piccolo parts of Stars and Stripes Forever.

Hidden Pun – Returns Policy

An excerpt from the training manual for sales associates at Daybo’s Varied Goods LLC.:

Returns Policy – Here at Daybo’s, we understand that some of our guests may be too incompetent to make the right purchase the first time, and we want to accommodate this weakness with our returns policy.  Any items returned within one full lunar cycle of the date of purchase, will be gladly accepted with open arms by you, the associate, as soon as the Uranium testing is completed.  

But wait!  Don’t open that drawer just yet. Customers may not receive cash reimbursement on returned items.  In-store credit is the only type of refund we will give.  Credit, ware-credit, is due the customer upon presentation of original receipt and photo ID.  In most cases, any government issued identification will suffice, with the notable exceptions of driver’s licenses issued by the states of Connecticut, Delaware, or Georgia, and any ID issued by the Vatican, France, Iceland, or Canada, as they are widely known to be imaginary places, and anyone with such a document must surely have fabricated it for nefarious ends.  

Customers who meet these requirements can expect a full reimbursement, minus a 3% restocking fee, and $17 flat rate for the use of the Geiger counter.  If the customer objects to this, remind them that most retail outlets charge by the hour for the contracted technician, but we are able to keep our costs for radioactive testing low by using our in-house testing team.  

VERY Important!  Always remember, customers who purchased with precious metals, will receive store-credit in the amount of the original weight times the market price ON THE DAY OF PURCHASE.  If the platinum has risen significantly in the last lunar cycle, that is a cost the customer must bear himself.  

If you are ever in a pinch, and not sure what to do regarding a returned item, remember this rule of thumb: at Daybo’s, the customer is always right, unless he is not, then he’s wrong.

*wink real hard when you see it.