That’s a Mistake, Period.

A fly landing  on this sign in just the right place could cause major sanitary problems.  A little momentary punctuation might cause someone to read this sign up say:

Please do not flush.  Trash or feminine products down the toilet.

Lost in Translation

There is a distinct possibility that, if you work at Dollar General, you will get lost, no matter what your role is. The good news is, they are currently looking for several employees, and you can rest assured, in the likely event that you get lost, they will look for you too.

Lunch Room Rules Baby!

They really cut loose during meetings at this place.

What, Son? Yes, Watson Made a Funny

This is a very large screenshot of a transcript of the NPR quiz show, “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” with host Peter Sagal.  On this particular day, one of the guests was Texas musician Dale Watson, and below you’ll find his answer to the Sagal’s question, “How do you feel about the banjo?”, as well as the fact that I read transcripts from NPR in the middle of the night, apparently.  If you’re wondering whether of not this is funny, I think the word “laughter” there in the transcript should settle that debate.  If you’re interested, the entire transcript can be found here.  Hey, making that link was pretty fun, let’s do it again just for fun.

 

Dave’s Words and Their Meanings: A Dictionary

1.  embankment /əmˈbaNGkmənt/ (n) – An act of placing money into a bank account: “Dave took his quarters to the teller, and asked to make an embankment.”
2. meringue /məˈraNG/ (v) – To aggressively lecture an amphibious humanoid (mermaid) at length, with a critical bent, and overt harshness:  “Being dragged down to their mer-lair, Dave took the opportunity to meringue his captors on their ineffective government structure.”
3. enhance /inˈhans/ (v) – To increase the attractiveness of the male face through plastic surgery, to increase handsomeness:  “After his treatment with Dr. Hertzner, Dave was certain he was enhanced enough to ask Suzie out for a date.”
4. travail /trəˈvā(ə)l/ (n) – The painful and laborious effort associated with living in a travel trailer: “After years of travail, Dave saved up enough money to purchase a double-wide.”
5. mansion /ˈman(t)SH(ə)n/ (v) – The societal rejection of a man in light of his behavior, through antipathy and/or caution; see also shun, mention (plural):  “Because of his insistence on the truth of his mermaid abduction story, and his harsh treatment at their hands, Dave was mansioned by the other members of the local mermaid enthusiasts club, who insisted that real merfolk are friends of humans, and would never have subjected him to harsh treatment such as, a seaweed and raw herring diet, 24hr mer-flute music, and ‘The Berznault,’ the walking of a bed of clam shells atop an underwater geothermal vent.”

Unthai Those Animals!

In southeast Asia, wealthy businessmen have taken to keeping racoons as pets.  They tend to love their company, but as soon as they become burdensome in any way, they lose interest.  For instance, after a recent tropical storm, many of these animals were found abandoned on the property of their owners.  They had apparently been tied up outside before the owners skipped town to avoid the storm.   The newspaper headline read:

Thai Coons Abandoned!  Tycoons Flee Typhoon, Tie Coons to Trees!

Hidden Puns – Funeral Home

From the Handbook of Record at Doyle’s Funeral Home and Crematorium:

Urns are to be handled with utmost care, lest they be broken.  If an urn is damaged, it is to be thrown away.  But as long as it is whole, it is to be handled with the gentleness of a mother snow leopard, which is exactly the kind of treatment one good urn deserves.  Another employee may assist in handling urns if you feel at all unsteady when transporting urns across a room.  Try and visualize how a mother snow leopard, the most tender and protective of all of nature’s mothers, might handle a ceramic vessel containing a loved one’s remains.  Have you ever heard of a mother snow leopard dropping an urn, or even stumbling with one?  Exactly, so if you can channel the spirit of the mother snow leopard, you will never drop an urn down a steep, snow-covered ravine, or allow it to be eaten by eagles; it just won’t happen.  This is very important because our liability policy covers neither of those scenarios.

*when you spot the pun, whistle the piccolo parts of Stars and Stripes Forever.

Hidden Pun – Returns Policy

An excerpt from the training manual for sales associates at Daybo’s Varied Goods LLC.:

Returns Policy – Here at Daybo’s, we understand that some of our guests may be too incompetent to make the right purchase the first time, and we want to accommodate this weakness with our returns policy.  Any items returned within one full lunar cycle of the date of purchase, will be gladly accepted with open arms by you, the associate, as soon as the Uranium testing is completed.  

But wait!  Don’t open that drawer just yet. Customers may not receive cash reimbursement on returned items.  In-store credit is the only type of refund we will give.  Credit, ware-credit, is due the customer upon presentation of original receipt and photo ID.  In most cases, any government issued identification will suffice, with the notable exceptions of driver’s licenses issued by the states of Connecticut, Delaware, or Georgia, and any ID issued by the Vatican, France, Iceland, or Canada, as they are widely known to be imaginary places, and anyone with such a document must surely have fabricated it for nefarious ends.  

Customers who meet these requirements can expect a full reimbursement, minus a 3% restocking fee, and $17 flat rate for the use of the Geiger counter.  If the customer objects to this, remind them that most retail outlets charge by the hour for the contracted technician, but we are able to keep our costs for radioactive testing low by using our in-house testing team.  

VERY Important!  Always remember, customers who purchased with precious metals, will receive store-credit in the amount of the original weight times the market price ON THE DAY OF PURCHASE.  If the platinum has risen significantly in the last lunar cycle, that is a cost the customer must bear himself.  

If you are ever in a pinch, and not sure what to do regarding a returned item, remember this rule of thumb: at Daybo’s, the customer is always right, unless he is not, then he’s wrong.

*wink real hard when you see it.

Seven Deadly Zins

And The Corporate Pun of the Week goes to this clever wine maker.  If it tastes as good as this pun feels on the lips, we’ll rate it 91+.

*For the record — While the Blog Two Weevils received nothing from this winery in the way of money, or gifts, or samples, or any such thing thing, for future reference, may it be known that we will be happy to accept, in return for free exposure on our enormous social media platform, with tens of eyes a week beholding these posts (being hold?), any Clint Eastwood movies on VHS, high-end shaving products, Mexican cantaloupe (when in season), or unconventional taxidermy (preferably of rodents).

Richard Nixed for Bad Pun

As a young man, Richard Nixon captained a small, oar-powered whaling vessel.  On one particular day, spotting a whale off the starboard bow (where else?), he called for the weapon. “Spear!” He said.  Then, as levitation began to get away, he called to the oarsmen for more speed.  “Row!” He said.  Then, being distracted by a cloud that looked like a wildebeest, he pointed, and prophetically yelled, “A Gnu!”