A Pun of Feathers

May18

A certain Merchant owned three ships (two Skips and a Jillywig or Galleyjunk or some such thing), all of which needed painting. Having most of his wealth tied up in goods, and the unfortunate purchase of stock in a company specializing in re-veining shrimp, he had no cash to pay the painter, and tried to work out some exchange of services with the man. The Painter was not interested in having anything shipped, but he did have a serious problem with birds picking his garden clean. He offered to paint the ships for free, if the Merchant could get rid of the birds. The Merchant was not much for shooting birds, but he was friends with a Jeweler, who happened to moonlight in the pest control business from time to time. Having no cash to pay the Jeweler/Exterminator, the Merchant offered to operate the jewel tumbler for one full day, if his friend would deal with the Painter’s birds. So the next day, as the Merchant was leaving no stone un-turned, the Jeweler wielded his slingshot to ensure that no tern would be left un-stoned, and in return, the Painter would leave no stern un-toned.

@tack of the Puns

May18

When Drs. Ted Knight and Merlin Jones (Mer to his friends) opened their medical practice, they decided to incorporate their enthusiasm with the Middle Ages into the name of the business, which was enhanced by their coincidental, and highly unlikely names. The words above the door, atop the prescription pads, and on the bills read: Excelsior Medical Practice. Business was great until a young colleague of theirs convinced them to venture onto social media. Obtusely combining their names and the practice name, they crafted an unfortunate Twitter handle that would prove to be their undoing. People were very concerned about what took place at @EMPTedMerDr.

Hooked on a Feelin’

May11

If Phillip takes some medicine, he might start to feel better. If he’s trying to find something in the couch cushions, taking off the gloves will help him feel better. If he owns a rocky plot of land, and he sells it, and purchase a lush meadow wherein grows daffodils, you might say that he’s gained a field better. In the casino, if he goes with his gut might be called a feel better; but if he makes several bad wagers, you might say that he has begun to feel-bet err. If he begins to mistrust his own judgement, and seeks the advice of his foolish companions, they might tell him, “Phil, bet ‘er.” If he runs out of money and wagers the daffodilian meadow, he might be called a field better. If he is an inappropriately forward and rude fellow, he’s likely to be kicked out because he feels betters. If your’e a second baseman, getting your body in front of the ball might help you field better. But if Phil charges onto the infield to strangle the winning pitcher, against whom he has wagered, you might be called upon to field the better. Having run out of money, and searching for a silver lining, Phil might think of his success in the couch-searching from yesterday, take a little license, and say that he took off the gloves and feeled better. Going to the fridge in search of a drink, he may find only a full gallon of milk, which he wishes to decant into a coke bottle, and employing a funnel will help him fill better. And lastly, when Phil cannot pay his debts to the casino, he might be thrown in jail, and the jailer will call upon a blacksmith to …(wait for it) …bield fetters.

It “Is” What it “Is”

May11

This phrase, pictured here on the hallowed walls of a local high school gymnasium, is no doubt meant to inspire greatness in the hearts of students on their way to various activities. On the surface, it may seem that this is an effective device for engendering perseverance, but upon closer inspection, we will find that it does not actually mean what it wants to mean, and in fact, may mean the opposite.

Consider the word not. It is clear that it intends to negate its neighbor, the word is, which itself is telling us something about the subject noun failure. Without any further modifications in regard to time, space circumstance, etc., we may conclude that is intends to tell us something about failure that is eternal and immutable. And not wants us to know that, whatever we are about to learn about failure from the proceeding words, it shall negate with the same scope and veracity with which is affirmed. So we may safely conclude from these words, that whatever is meant by an option, which we have yet to discern, failure IS, in the highest sense of the word, not that. It’s worth noting that with no other modifiers to indicate that this is an exhaustive statement, we must admit that failure may be many other things, but any other truths about failure not here mentioned, cannot contradict this essential truth. With a little levity, if the Reader will permit it, we might say, that if failure were to speak from us out of a burning bush, it would say, “I AM not an option.”

Now, if we define option as, “something that may be chosen, or the ability or opportunity to make a choice,” we may further conclude that failure is never, in any circumstance, in any epoch of time, in any place in the universe, a thing that can be chosen; and furthermore, no volitional creature has ever (nor will ever) even had the opportunity to choose it, his inclination notwithstanding.

Therefore, the young athlete, or scholar, or musician who walks by this sign every day, ought not be filled with zeal, but rather complacency. Because if failure is not even something he may choose, then whatever he does choose, must necessarily not be failure. In addition, by virtue of not being failure, the choice must of necessity be the inverse, namely, success. So the student may go merrily on her way knowing that, whether she applies herself diligently, or approaches the task with glass-eyed apathy, she will succeed.

It must be noted that there is another slightly different interpretation that, while not as strong as the former, is not entirely illegitimate, but is nonetheless uninspiring. That is, perhaps the powers that be intend to inform the students that “Failure is Not an Option For You.” Meaning, failure may actually be an option, but we are not going to allow you to choose it. So, if you begin to choose failure, we will: a.) prevent you from choosing it. b.) remove you from participation so that your erroneous choice becomes moot. c.) declare whatever you did choose to be success. In any case, the student cannot fail, which fact produces again, not zeal, but apathy.

Perhaps a better slogan might be:

Since failure is a very real possibility, indeed perhaps a probability, we shall endeavor to persevere, striving for excellence, maintaining that, we will not accept as a legitimate goal, anything less than unqualified success, however that may manifest for the given task. Go [Mascot]’s!

There’s a Monster at the End of This Book!

May9

This is not a pun.

“But wait, aren’t you all about puns or whatever?”

Yes that’s true Reader, but I would also like to talk about many things that are not puns, an exhaustive list of which I have conveniently bulletted below.

How often it is appropriate to use the phrase “and never the twain should meet,” (incidentally, the answer to that question is: any and every time they shan’t – and you may now consider this topic, talked about)
How the only legitimate ports of air for any self-respecting Texan to use, are those named after the 43rd President (well, I guess that being now said, its being any further discussed would be of little use)
The appropriate place and time for grown men to wear flip-flops (actually, I suppose the words “nowhere” and “never” will sufficiently put that subject to bed as well)
The Peregrine Falcon, a.k.a. The Bane of Rodentia, The Feathered Dragon of Doom, The Waster of Mens’ Houses, and many other names never spoken aloud because the speaker was consumed ‘ere he’d a chance to breathe them. In fact, if necessity is the Mother of Invention, then the Scream of Terror was born of the Coming of the Peregrine. The Scriptures speak of being borne aloft upon wings of eagles, but never Peregrine. No man or beast would ever desire such a fate, and the Divine promise of such would induce trembling rather than the filling of the chest with hope. Nay, eagles may be suitable for blessing, but falco peregrinus could only be an instrument of Judgement, and those in his view should rightly cry out for the very rocks to fall upon them, lest they be torn assund- …wait, did this mentioning of falcons just get out of hand? I think it did. I hate it when this happens. Let’s move on.

As you can see, there are literally thousands of topics I could cover here and-

“But you only listed like, 4, and then you said like, all the stuff there was to say about them. Except for that part about the falcons or whatever, that was just weird, and I mondo wish you would not mention them anymore.”

First of all Reader, I never said the list was exhaustive. And second of all, I-

“Bro, it totally says exhaustive, you even underlined it and stuff.”

Look, I didn’t even put a picture of a Peregrine on the page. Because if I had, It would have induced weeping and gnashing of teeth, the likes of which the world has never-

“Ok, you totally went there again, and it’s really creepy and stuff.”

Like I said, Reader, if you continue to frequent this blog, you can generally expect to find groan-free puns, jokes that may or may not need explanation (which are objectively, the best kind), examples of curious uses of the English language, and humorous dissections and analysis of phrases found variously in pop-culture. The picture above is an example of the later, but you got me seriously off-track, and we’ll have to reserve the discussion of that quote for another day.

*TwoWeevils has made a good faith effort to warn the Reader of the danger Falcons pose to life and limb, and as such, cannot be held responsible for any damage to home or livestock as the result of the wrath of a Peregrine.

In the Pit of Dis-pear

May9

Little Stevie was being chased by Farmer Jim for stealing pears. He ducked into the shoe store, hoping to give the slip to his pursuer, the closing door muddling the sound of Jim’s voice, answering his own question,
“Am I gonna git you? Does a pear pit in the woods?”
Hearing the door bell jingle, the shoe salesman walked up said, “Hello there son, can I interest you in a pair of shoes? You look like you’re in dispair.”
Turning from the window and pointing to his shoes, Stevie said, “No, I’m already in ‘dis pair. I’m just runnin’ from Farmer Jim on account-a I dis-peared his tree.”
He showed the salesman the bowl of cut pears he was carrying and said, “I would give ’em back, but there’s no way for me to dis-pare ’em, they’ll never be the same.”
Suddenly, their conversation was cut off by the sound of sirens. Looking out the window, Stevie saw his friend Bobby on the ground beneath a few hovering EMTs. Sitting the bowl of pears down, he ran outside and caught his pal just as he was being strapped to the gurney. “Bobby what happened?” he said. Bobby, struggling to answer, managed to produce three words to tell his story, “Electric fence. Piss-dare.”

Pterrible Tpuns

May8

This comes to you, Reader, from a friend of mine, whose identity I have protected by a few careful redactions. I don’t know if this actually qualifies as a pun, but since I am in charge here, I say it does.